[Carlos/Hadyn] Some things, only God can forgive

[maskofhearts]

Hadyn was in his office, nearing lunch and making some vague plans with Jordan to meet for lunch- not that his brother was being particularly helpful in planning. Mostly it was a series of 'yes, lets' and 'sure', 'sounds good'. It was enough to make Hadyn roll his eyes, and if it weren't for the fact that he was probably no better it would have sniped at Jordan for it. He'd even turned his focus to actual work when his phone went off again, and this time he did roll his eyes expecting it to be Jordan- once again. Only, it was not.

Carlos Sanchez might not have legally, or biologically been his child- but Hadyn thought of him as one. He'd been a constant in the house since the boy was 8, and at 18 he had been brought into their home without question or hesitation when his own had tossed him out. Hadyn, in fact, had been there for many of the big moments in Carlos' life. From discussing his sexuality, to his first challenges. Elisha had trained him in krav maga, and taught him to draw. They invited him to celebrate every major holiday with them. Carlos was his child, in so many ways outside of name. And so when Ty mentioned that Carlos had not come to work that day, and someone else had spotted Gael Shaw stumbling through the castle toward Carlos apartments, it was without hesitation that Hadyn was on his feet and out the door.

Moving to the younger man's apartments, he knocked lightly on the door, a look of concern on his features as the other man opened the door. "Well..." He said as Carlos looked at him, "you seem to be in one piece at least. Perhaps you'd care to share lunch with me? Unless, you've a guest you need to worry about?" Jordan, alas, could wait until later for his lunch.

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[maskofhearts]

"It could be that he rejects it." Hadyn agreed, watching Carlos with a faint smile. So many hurts, Hadyn thought, that he truly wished he could reach out and smooth away. How often he'd tried to do just that when Carlos had been just a small boy. And then a teenager. And then a young man, lost and alone. It was Elisha that had kept Hadyn from losing his mind and properly reaching out to snap Felipe in two, and rationally it had made sense. But there were moments, moments like now....that he wished he could.

"It is just rejection that scares you?" He asked after a moment, "or is it something more? You'll never convince him to love you, if you never try. And if you aren't willing to try, Carlos, you should let him go now. That man is headed one direction right now, and it is not a direction that ends happily. If the only thing you can do is sit back an watch, I suggest moving out of the way. Otherwise you'll get hurt, or dragged into it. Or both."

Gael was a broken man, Hadyn thought. More so than Carlos, or even himself. In many ways, Gael was like a wounded animal who wanted affection on his terms, and reacted violently when his terms were not met- but he was still always seeking that affection. Because, Hadyn suspected, he craved love as much as the next. Gael had, after all, seen that love could be strong and powerful. His parents had been loving and kind, from what Hadyn recalled. Even after one had died, the other remained strong and loving. So then it was one man that destroyed love for all time? No, Hadyn didn't think Patrick was that strong, even if Gael thought so. Even if Carlos thought so.

"Carlos, letting go of someone you love...is easy. Much easier, that is...than fighting tooth and nail for them to under you aren't leaving or giving up. Patrick is a memory you have to fight, yes. He has likely colored much of that man's life, and will continue to do so- because that is the only way he has felt love. He has nothing to compare it to, nothing to say that all love is not manipulative and violent. And...you, you have no reason to believe love is not filled with rejection. But neither of those are whole truths. For either of you. Love is more, can be more- you just have to fight for it."

[fistandbone]

He hadn't spoken to Felipe since the day when, at not quite eighteen, he'd been told he wasn't welcome in that house as long as he persisted with boys instead of girls. He'd spoken to his mother, occasionally, and Bethany liked to assure him that his father loved him, but was merely traditional. But he didn't think his mother really understand the effect it had on him. His father had rejected him.

It had made every relationship that subsequently failed feel like a rejection, as well. Some of them had been, truthfully, when it became clear that he was more complicated than the surface version of himself - that he was more than just a quiet guard, that he was hardly what most people thought of as normal. He was tired from it, he thought; not just tired of it, but tired from it. And perhaps that was a little...weak of him, really. He hadn't suffered a Patrick. He hadn't even had parents like the Novaks. The Sánchezes had been benign in their neglect. It hadn't been deliberate, but based on the fact that Carlos had been the least worrisome of their five children, at least until the end.

He didn't quite meet Hadyn's eyes, not wanting him to see the expression on his face. Frankly, not wanting to really see the expression on Hadyn's face, either. Gael was more shattered than he'd ever been; Carlos hadn't been allowed to break at seventeen, not with the Kagans there to catch him. His wounds had always been less...catastrophic, he supposed. Certainly they were healed over and scarred by now. He shouldn't be so afraid of someone ripping them open again. But he was. The answer to Hadyn's question was that yes, Carlos was afraid of the rejection, whether that came in the form of Gael disappearing from his bed and into someone else's - or in the form of Gael deciding it was easier to just get away from the pain completely. It was a thought he'd had, one he'd never shared and never let bubble to the surface - but if he'd had it, how could he blame Gael for feeling the same?

His lips tightened into the ghost of a smile, one devoid of humor or joy as he pushed the soda away from himself. "You make it sound simple," he said. Not easy, no - but simple. Like it was just a matter of fighting for his happiness in order to get it. He knew that wasn't really true. He'd fought tooth and nail for things before in his life and ended up with nothing. He supposed that was his other fear. He could fight tooth and nail for Gael. He could hold on tight, and he could still end up with less than before. It was, frankly, the most likely result. "But I don't think I can walk away, either. So there's not really much of a choice, is there?"

[maskofhearts]

"Simple?" Hadyn raised a brow at that, before chuckling softly as he shook his head. Simple was hardly what he'd meant, though it was fairly straight forward. One could lose no matter what they did- it was only that if he fought for it, he might win as well. But he supposed when someone was used to losing, the only outcome possible to see was- losing. "No, not simple. You'll fail at things, you'll have to pick yourself up and then try again. It is more straight forward, I would think...than simple. Simple implies something akin to uncomplicated. Matters of the heart are rarely anything but complicated."

It was a hard lesson to learn, and maybe Hadyn had done Carlos no favors in trying to catch the boy. But then...his heart had hurt for the boy. He could see so much of himself in Carlos that he'd just wanted to be his shield in a way, the way any parent should have wanted to be for their child. Indeed, he'd wrapped his arms around Carlos and held the boy many times, wanting nothing more than to ease some pain that he'd been helpless to ease. If one Carlos had been his, he wondered, how different things might have been for the boy?

"There is always a choice, Carlos. But just know that doing nothing? That only leads one way. If you try, at least...maybe, maybe you can change something in the outcome. You can't win if you never play." It was something he'd told Ty when the boy was young, and worried about losing face in front of his friends. When they'd been little, Sarah had always seemed to beat her brother out on things. She was taller, she was faster, made better grades- whatever it was, in Tyler's mind Sarah semed to always win. But Hadyn also pointed out that Tyler never tried to win, either. He watched her, resigning himself to a perceived notion that 'of course she'll win'.

Once the boy had learned that lesson well enough, well...Sarah didn't always win. But then, nor did she always lose either.

"I can't...sheild you from this, or I would. I cannot even promise that he'll love you, or that it'll last forever. But, I can tell you that to do nothing will not win his heart any more than trying will."

[fistandbone]

He wasn't sure what would have happened to him if the Kagans hadn't been there, really. Assuredly he would not be where he was now. Likely he'd be eking out a life in a neighborhood like the Player's Quarter; likely he'd be bitter and brittle and lonely. Gael would have never avoided him thinking that Carlos was a relationship type. He wouldn't even appear that way on the surface. As it was, only Hadyn ever saw through the surface to see that Carlos hadn't had any expectations of almost any relationships since he'd still been a teenager. Carlos didn't think even Ty saw it, not really.

It was almost a little funny though, he thought as Hadyn spoke. He remembered Ty griping about the tough love talk he'd gotten from Hadyn about assuming Sarah would always win at everything - and he thought that he'd taken it to heart as much as Ty had. In everything but love, Carlos knew that he could fall down, he could fail and he could get up again. Next time, he could win. It was how he'd learned to best Ty and Sarah both at swords. It was how he'd risen to Seven with hardly a stumble. But love? There was a reason Carlos had barely bothered to try anything beyond the purely sexual since he was twenty-one. He was tired of losing his heart. It was a hundred times worse than losing a fight.

He pushed his fingers through his hair. "I know that," he said. "I know there aren't any guarantees." He could fight for Gael, he thought. He could take the risk and tell Gael that he cared about him, take the risk that Gael would run fast and far in the other direction. But...he wasn't sure he could really believe that there was any chance in hell that Gael would do something else. He wasn't sure he believed that Gael might care about him, and that he wasn't a stand-in for Patrick, albeit one he could feel safe with.

He could try, but he couldn't force himself to believe that he wasn't about to take a fall.

[maskofhearts]

There were times that Hadyn hated Carlos' parents with every fiber of his being, this was one of those times. To watch confidence drain from a man who had everything in the world to be confident in himself...to diminish and shrink. He wanted to put Felipe five feet under, and perhaps knock some sense into a mother who did as much damage by staying as anything else.

"Well, I suppose the only thing I can do now is ask if you need anything from me." Hadyn said, looking at the table a moment. How much he wanted to just protect Carlos, he thought. Was that normal? Wanting to shield someone else's child? No, the difference was that Carlos was as much his as the Sanchez's right? He'd practically raised that boy after all. "You need only ask if you need anything. We'll always be there for you, you know that right?"

[fistandbone]

If someone asked him, he'd say his childhood was just fine up until he realized he was gay - and his parents realized the same. But the truth was, Victoria and Cristian had garnered a share of the Sánchezes attention due to being their first two. Ali had gotten the same by being the baby, and Matteo had gotten his share by a combination of acting out - and being Felipe's little helper in the business. Carlos, though, had faded into the background. He'd been quiet, a little shy, and a bit artistic. He hadn't fit, perhaps they hadn't known what to do with him. In any case, all the explicit parental attention he'd ever had growing up had come not from his parents - but from Elisha Kagan and Hadyn Novak.

Who he knew he was worrying now. Just Hadyn right now, maybe, but Elisha would likely hear about it soon enough. He shook his head. "Nothing right now," he said quietly. "But I know. I know you'll always be there if I need something." He glanced back at the door of his bedroom though, before standing up. "For now, I guess I should kick you out," he said with a crooked smile. "The fight's over before it's started if he wakes up to find his boss in the kitchen."

He closed the door behind Hadyn and paused a long moment, staring down the hall before he slipped back out of the shirt he'd tossed on before he'd called Hadyn and moved back into his bedroom. Gael still slept; it was just as well when so many of his insecurities had been exposed like a raw nerve. He unfastened his pants again, tossing the clothes on the chair before he slipped beneath the covers again. "Quédate conmigo, cariño," he murmured as he wrapped his arm around Gael's waist and pressed a kiss to his temple. "Quédate."